The truth, roles, and other caricatures

It all started with a an unconfortable card from the Integration Game.

"When someone around me is feeling down, I feel..."

"Of course, I sweep over to save the day! No one deserves to be sad around me. I like to live in a happy world, all the time!!!"

Then, hearing my answer, I stopped and stared. Does it have to be like this? I know I did it in the past, but is it still true? Hedonistically speaking. Hmmm...

In my teenage years I was the anonymous quiet one. Not frequently heard in the classroom.
As a melancholic-sangunic and  introvert (lover/poet of the four archetypes by Moore), my connection with feelings is absolute. But, on the darker side of the spectrum, I frequently cannot differentiate between my feelings and the others` feelings.  Nowadays, the coping strategy is to run away, or distract myself with chocolate or my phone. 
In that time, I was a human pinball, happily bouncing around and hitting the classmates with the craziest jokes or the funniest faces I could make. I DID NOT STOP until the person was cracking up or at least let a smile out. I could feel their energy/vibe change and their feeling of gratitude (Just what he/she needed) made my miserable existence become worthy.

I needed to connect.
I needed to be seen
I needed validation
I needed to fit in a group
I needed to feel important

The problem was that by not letting the other get in touch with his/her feelings, and forcibly distracting them, I was ignoring his/her needs, for the greater good. It was like an autoritarian parent, who thinks he knows best, and in the end the "child" will thank them, even though there is a rebellion going on at the moment. It was a one size fits all way of thinking, and sadly I wasn`t so great at being a robot.

What do I DO VS what does the person NEED?

My role became the best of me. I identified with that role. It became a caricature of doing, not thinking.
Unknowingly, as a saviour, I took responsability for the other`s feelings and needs. Thus, this saviour is the only one that doesn`t find peace. Maybe he forgot what it felt like.

Before I learned to fit into that role, I was a boy/man, and a human being. A fragment of a soul greater than my existence.

I sometimes miss having a wise person pulling me away from that habit and asking me: 
"Why are you doing this?" Fifty times, if this is the road to my deepest truth.

Now I know that the wise man is me. A part of me. The observer, that was dying of thirst back then.  Nevermore.

Now, by being in touch with myself and my needs, and carefully observing the other`s feelings and needs, I make my presence felt and politely ask if she needs anything.

It is useful to make friends with the observer within. With his presence, I choose not to be a slave to that role. Finding balance in everything and life will be a pleasure to live once more.