The shadow of a contest

Why does one enter a Toastmasters contest? 

Prior to this I`ve asked some members, and they responded:

-To rise up to the challenge, to become a better version of myself

-To fulfill other`s expectations of me.

-To discover new abilites.

-To feel the suspense, in order to get out of the confort zone

-To explore my sense of humour and in the future to be proud when recalling the event.

 
The benefits of entering one are many, like winning. Or performing your speech earlier in order to advance to the next level of the path, even carying the club name proudly to the podium.
But there are other hidden benefits. This is a true story.

 May 2018. One chilly Saturday morning I met up with a member from Cluj and two girls from Republic of Moldavia. We drove towards Oradea, where the DIvision D Contest was being held. Imagine all of the 25 clubs from Romania and Moldavia sending theirs best speakers and evaluators! I could feel the pressure of the stage…

As we drove and talked, I suddenly became overjoyed. I could feel that today is the day something special will happen. I could feel it in all my cells. My mind took control. “Yes, this is the day. I will become a champion. I deserve it. After all, I have plenty of experience.”

 

The contest was held at Hotel Ramada, in a large room with soft and thick floor mats. They were so fluffy, you could even dive into them!
I was wearing my lucky black coat and black trousers. With the best intentions some speakers approached me and wished me “Good Luck Horatiu!” or “You ARE THE BEST. I cannot wait to see you perform.” I grinned in a bad poker face… no pressure! :D

Fifteen minutes prior to the evaluation contest I was trembilng with anxiety. I went to the batroom to stretch and to warm up my voice. I tried deep breathing, but no effect!

Have you ever found yourself in a bad state and could`t pull yourself together for something important?

 

Thank you for being here with me.

 

After the speech and those 5 minutes of writing my evaluation, I entered the room.
Then It was quiet. 3 seconds lasted for a lifetime. I started. My voice trembled every 2 seconds, my mouth was dry and the notes that I wrote were trembling. I could`t even see them anymore. I frowned and struggled to make some sense. Although what I said made perfect sense, the anxiety was greater.

After the contest I wanted to go away and NEVER RETURN. While everyone else was applauding, I just sat there on the chair. I felt deep shame and dissapointed. I could`t look my fellow collegues in the eye.

All of a sudden, my mentor approached me. He said in a patronising voice: “Young man, you were nervous. Too bad. What you said was better than the others, but how you said it… BIG dissapointment.”

There was my mentor that was suppose not to uplift me but to understand me and my feelings.
I felt tears rushing into my eyes and I rushed outside. It was cloudy and the wind started blowing, just like my interior. Between two big hedges I stood there staring.

Dark thoughts came into my mind: “Huh. Look at you. Biiiig speaker! Four years of experience. WASTED!”

I took a deep breath in. And another one, sighing. After the third one I took my phone out and typed : “I love myself and accept accept myself even though I didn`t win.”
A big smile flooded my face. I couldn`t belive it. Was it me that wrote that?
As I read it time and time again, I felt better and better.

I became peaceful, warm, full of sunshine and rainbows. Dear reader, it was just like the joy of returning to the comfort of your own home.

Although I didn`t even make it on the podium, THAT day I WON somenting better.  learned the lesson of acceptance, the lesson of kindness and the lesson of self love.

That weekend when I returned home I felt as I have won thousands of contest at the same time.
The victory was with myself! 

Make sure you steer yourself in the right direction and be kind to yourself even if you fail!