The truth, roles, and other caricatures

It all started with a an unconfortable card from the Integration Game.

"When someone around me is feeling down, I feel..."

"Of course, I sweep over to save the day! No one deserves to be sad around me. I like to live in a happy world, all the time!!!"

Then, hearing my answer, I stopped and stared. Does it have to be like this? I know I did it in the past, but is it still true? Hedonistically speaking. Hmmm...

In my teenage years I was the anonymous quiet one. Not frequently heard in the classroom.
As a melancholic-sangunic and  introvert (lover/poet of the four archetypes by Moore), my connection with feelings is absolute. But, on the darker side of the spectrum, I frequently cannot differentiate between my feelings and the others` feelings.  Nowadays, the coping strategy is to run away, or distract myself with chocolate or my phone. 
In that time, I was a human pinball, happily bouncing around and hitting the classmates with the craziest jokes or the funniest faces I could make. I DID NOT STOP until the person was cracking up or at least let a smile out. I could feel their energy/vibe change and their feeling of gratitude (Just what he/she needed) made my miserable existence become worthy.

I needed to connect.
I needed to be seen
I needed validation
I needed to fit in a group
I needed to feel important

The problem was that by not letting the other get in touch with his/her feelings, and forcibly distracting them, I was ignoring his/her needs, for the greater good. It was like an autoritarian parent, who thinks he knows best, and in the end the "child" will thank them, even though there is a rebellion going on at the moment. It was a one size fits all way of thinking, and sadly I wasn`t so great at being a robot.

What do I DO VS what does the person NEED?

My role became the best of me. I identified with that role. It became a caricature of doing, not thinking.
Unknowingly, as a saviour, I took responsability for the other`s feelings and needs. Thus, this saviour is the only one that doesn`t find peace. Maybe he forgot what it felt like.

Before I learned to fit into that role, I was a boy/man, and a human being. A fragment of a soul greater than my existence.

I sometimes miss having a wise person pulling me away from that habit and asking me: 
"Why are you doing this?" Fifty times, if this is the road to my deepest truth.

Now I know that the wise man is me. A part of me. The observer, that was dying of thirst back then.  Nevermore.

Now, by being in touch with myself and my needs, and carefully observing the other`s feelings and needs, I make my presence felt and politely ask if she needs anything.

It is useful to make friends with the observer within. With his presence, I choose not to be a slave to that role. Finding balance in everything and life will be a pleasure to live once more.

 

The shadow of a contest

Why does one enter a Toastmasters contest? 

Prior to this I`ve asked some members, and they responded:

-To rise up to the challenge, to become a better version of myself

-To fulfill other`s expectations of me.

-To discover new abilites.

-To feel the suspense, in order to get out of the confort zone

-To explore my sense of humour and in the future to be proud when recalling the event.

 
The benefits of entering one are many, like winning. Or performing your speech earlier in order to advance to the next level of the path, even carying the club name proudly to the podium.
But there are other hidden benefits. This is a true story.

 May 2018. One chilly Saturday morning I met up with a member from Cluj and two girls from Republic of Moldavia. We drove towards Oradea, where the DIvision D Contest was being held. Imagine all of the 25 clubs from Romania and Moldavia sending theirs best speakers and evaluators! I could feel the pressure of the stage…

As we drove and talked, I suddenly became overjoyed. I could feel that today is the day something special will happen. I could feel it in all my cells. My mind took control. “Yes, this is the day. I will become a champion. I deserve it. After all, I have plenty of experience.”

 

The contest was held at Hotel Ramada, in a large room with soft and thick floor mats. They were so fluffy, you could even dive into them!
I was wearing my lucky black coat and black trousers. With the best intentions some speakers approached me and wished me “Good Luck Horatiu!” or “You ARE THE BEST. I cannot wait to see you perform.” I grinned in a bad poker face… no pressure! :D

Fifteen minutes prior to the evaluation contest I was trembilng with anxiety. I went to the batroom to stretch and to warm up my voice. I tried deep breathing, but no effect!

Have you ever found yourself in a bad state and could`t pull yourself together for something important?

 

Thank you for being here with me.

 

After the speech and those 5 minutes of writing my evaluation, I entered the room.
Then It was quiet. 3 seconds lasted for a lifetime. I started. My voice trembled every 2 seconds, my mouth was dry and the notes that I wrote were trembling. I could`t even see them anymore. I frowned and struggled to make some sense. Although what I said made perfect sense, the anxiety was greater.

After the contest I wanted to go away and NEVER RETURN. While everyone else was applauding, I just sat there on the chair. I felt deep shame and dissapointed. I could`t look my fellow collegues in the eye.

All of a sudden, my mentor approached me. He said in a patronising voice: “Young man, you were nervous. Too bad. What you said was better than the others, but how you said it… BIG dissapointment.”

There was my mentor that was suppose not to uplift me but to understand me and my feelings.
I felt tears rushing into my eyes and I rushed outside. It was cloudy and the wind started blowing, just like my interior. Between two big hedges I stood there staring.

Dark thoughts came into my mind: “Huh. Look at you. Biiiig speaker! Four years of experience. WASTED!”

I took a deep breath in. And another one, sighing. After the third one I took my phone out and typed : “I love myself and accept accept myself even though I didn`t win.”
A big smile flooded my face. I couldn`t belive it. Was it me that wrote that?
As I read it time and time again, I felt better and better.

I became peaceful, warm, full of sunshine and rainbows. Dear reader, it was just like the joy of returning to the comfort of your own home.

Although I didn`t even make it on the podium, THAT day I WON somenting better.  learned the lesson of acceptance, the lesson of kindness and the lesson of self love.

That weekend when I returned home I felt as I have won thousands of contest at the same time.
The victory was with myself! 

Make sure you steer yourself in the right direction and be kind to yourself even if you fail!

Motanul cel guraliv

Se spune ca animalul de companie seamana cu stapanul.in familia noastra, desi suntem ardeleni, se vorbeste mult si repede.De aceea a ajuns fix la noi Teddy, motanul cel guraliv.

In cele ce urmeaza va voi prezenta viata noastra si peripetiile bunicii mele TL cu pisicul respectiv.

L-am primit de la un vecin in dimineata zilei de 11 septembrie 2001, iar pentru noi era o bucurie!

 Teddy era un pisic negru de rasa, birmanez cu angora. Asta insemna ca era grozav de flocos. Avea ochii verzi patrunzatori, niste smocuri bogate sub urechiuse si o coada cat antebratul de groasa.

Era un pisic dragut si torcacios. Ti se suia in brate, si statea pe spate, punandu-ti labuta pe piept in timp ce te privea in ochi, clipind lent.

 

In fiecare dimineata, la ora 5, era prezent. Sarea de pe banca din fata casei direct pe pervazul geamului, unde mieuna intr-un hal, pana il lasam in casa. Daca nu ii dadeam de mancare urgent, era in stare sa ii  trezeasca pe toti!

Intr-o zi de primavara a anului 2005, bunica ll aude cum miauna din ce in ce mai tare si prelungit, dar acel mieunat parea trist. Degraba ea deschis usa verde de la casa, iar Teddy topaia chiunuit, tinand labuta stanga in sus.

Ea face ochii cat cepele si il ia pe sus ca pe un copilas. Il pune intr-o vesta verde tricotata si hop-top cu el in Dacia 1310, de culoare albastra.

In nici cinci minute ajunsera in orasul Hateg, la veterinar. Asa de tare se grabea bunica, incat a intrat pe strada veterinarului fara sa semnalizeze si pe contrasens!  Si-a dat seama ce a facut doar cand a auzit fluieratul prelungit a politistului ce dirija circulatia. Dupa ce a parcat, un vecin I-a intors rapid masina, In timp ce ea statea cu moliciunea de pisic in brate. Cand a ajuns masina politiei, nu a mai recunoscut Dacia si s-a tot dus inainte :D

 Veterinarul I-a facut o radiografie si I-a pus labuta in ghips, la un unghi de 120grade. 
Apoi, zilele urmatoare au fost intense pentru bunica. Tedi statea pe cel mai bun fotoliu din casa si abia cobora treptele casei : toc toc toc pentru a isi face nevoie. Bunica, dupa el cu lopatica plina de cenusa.

Atunci cand Teddy isi scutura umarul stang, clar pe acesta il manca pielea de sub ghips, iar bunica il scarpina pe sub el cu coada pliciului de muste. Bineinteles, dansul ii multumea printr-un mieunat.

 Dupa doua saptamani ii s-a recomandat sa mearga la control cu el la veterinarul din sat. Bineinteles ca l-a luat in brate, l-a pus in vesta verde crosetata si s-a dus cu el pe drum. Oamenii isi faceau cruci peste cruci ca nu mai vazusera asa aratare. Tanti Tili este dili!

 Simpaticul torcacios a scapat de ghips dupa inca doua saptamani si a putut merge din nou, iar pentru bunica a fost un exercitiu de rabdare, atentie si de grija, deoarece nu mai avea timp sa se planga asa de des.

  

Din pacate pe Teddy nu il mai avem din 2006, deoarece drumul national langa care stam e intens circulat si destule pisici patesc inevitabilul.
Am avut la sat o pleiada de pisici frumoase, dar nici unul ca motanul negru, guraliv si purtator de ghips.

Batman, Joker and the importance of masculine models

 

                                                                                                                                         source:wegotthiscovered.com

As a kid, I loved Joker (Mark Hammill), especially for his laugh and feeling good everytime. Now (32), I realise that Batman is a good guy, acting like a barometer for those that turn the balance heavily.  It`s like the 20/80 rule, in which one person can help correct a whole lot of villains during the series.  

In relationships, women value that 80/20 rule. Some days she needs you to be Batman, that knows his direction and worth, predictable and the one that can protect and lead her if she is destructive to herself. 

In other days, Joker is the one to go for. When she needs to relax and/or have fun. That character is light, unpredictable, chill and fascinatingly creative.

I think that most men can be combination of both J/B in various percentages and situations.

Ultimately what I as a man need and did not do since childhood is to have HEROES. Someone to admire.  Someone with values, to look up to and when the moment comes, to become one. Not by wearing a fancy suit, but with the right attitude!