On marriage, communication, and meaningfulness

"Man is free at the moment he wishes to be". - Voltaire

I am now 30 years of age, and I just started to get the hang of adult life in a new town. Here, in this relatively small town, most of the people my age are married.
Even in my hometown, I`ve seen the trend that makes you feel that you have a problem if you are not.
The problem with marriage is that it is a parasitic, artificial bond.
Half of them will end in divorce. And I want a simple life for that matter. Men will always want freedom and error correction, attention and clarity in order to evolve. And women need the flow of love and appreciation,to feel beautiful and to FEEL the energy of the man they are with. For more information, read/ listen to David Deida on that matter (The Way of the Superior Man). It is deeep AF. And his voice is magnetic. Also, the Five Love Languages. I couldn`t get enough of both. I re-read them every year or so. In order to unlearn the social conditioning, that is ;). Back to marriage, it is a trend, an obligation of age, and is occurs not because you want it to, but because of social pressure from your family and friends/ coworkers. The story is the same with having children. Will the two decisions make you happy? It depends on your values and emotional needs. Will the decisions make THEM happy? For a short while, probably. :P
It feels like being locked up in a box with a person that you will appreciate less and less, with every year that passes. Everyone needs their space and their corner. And could you appreciate a person if he or she naturally changes every year? Maybe, if you two grow in a similar rhythm and direction.

An alternative solution I have been a Toastmaster for about 5 years. I am frequently joking that I`m happily married to this non-profit club and my girlfriend knows about it. :P

Here, every six months, we have an evaluation of progress called the "Moments of Truth". In brief, the members are asked about: "What goes well?", "What doesn`t go well? " "What actions can we take in order to improve ourselves and our club?" "Where are we headed if we continue to behave like this? "

Bonus: "Can we afford to PAY the PRICE for it ?". My suggestion is getting toghether with your significant other and having a talk like this every month. This including the questions above. And talk about it as responsible adults.

Furthermore, every 6 months or 1 year, to rewiew the entire period, and see if changes were made and how did they affect your relationship. And to answer the big, painful and important question: "Should we go on, or go sepparate ways? ".

If this is not done, we will get to a point in which we HAVE to answer this question above there will be no time left to avoid it.. So, why not do it more often, and with clarity?

It is said that not the lack of love ends a relationship, but the lack of communication.

Speaking of communication, here is a story : A few years ago, I was visiting a lady that cared for an elderly patient in a home in Italy.

She said they were living a happy marriage, in a big house like in the movies. In which everyone had freedom and had alloted time in paralell to do his or her hobbies. When you were golfing, she was reading. When you were sleeping, she was shopping. There was (1) an alloted time for the kids and (2) alloted time for the couple, and (3) for themselves. Thus was much more simple because everyone`s needs were met.
Short plan: On an 8 hour workday, you are left witth 6-8 hours of sleep. And 8 hours for yourself. 2 hours you eat. 2 hours activites wiht the kids, 2 hours for yourself, and 2 hours for your wife.

One idea I`ve heard of is getting up at 5AM and paying yourself first . You have 2 hours to do what you need to do. Because you cannot give anything to anyone before having it yourself in the first place. If this does not happen, the people around you are going to ask you for things. And if you do not have what to give them, you will be cornered. And enter fight, flight or freeze mode.

Men, women and their roles in society

From some Tantra courses, I`ve been aware of the fact that being in the role of father, brother, husband (for men) and the role of mother, wife, or let`s say sister (for women) has an enourmous price to pay.
Millions of women forget to be women and become the avatar of mother, that oblitterates the link with the source that made them. They will fight to keep the role active, even if it means sucking the very own life out of them. The same with fathers !!!
Statistically, the suicidal rate for both men and women is exploding in the first 2-6 months after retiring from the job. Because again, NO ONE knows WHAT TO DO WITH THEIR LIFE.

This means "Taking yourself too seriously". Even after the children have fled the nest, the parents will not know what to do with their life now. Their role is obsolete. They do not have someone to control or have a fight with. Just for the fun of it and because of habit.
My advice: Get a hobby or more, and find people that share it. It will make you a better and a healthier person. A plus for self esteem and the miracle of self-discovery. Do not sacrifice it for anyone! Hold your ground! *** A model I`ve grown fond of is "The PAC Model'. 'Unfortunately, in between our adult role, we also have our parent and our child roles (+behaviours) inside of us. Here we can analyse ourselves using our partner as a trigger. And make peace with ourselves in the process.

We can talk about feelings, and identify needs that were covered up by our automatic behaviours. I reccommend checking NVC (Non Violent Communication) articles and courses.

In this illustration we have a model, in which states that if a husband of a wife is making judgements and is entering the parent role, the other one, takes up the child role, and thus they have a disfuncional relationship and communication. They are just like caricatures. Not being able to get out of that role or even to be aware of this.

The same is when one of them is acting childlishly, for example, being overly spoilt. Then comes the MIGHTY PARENT OF DOOM in order to discipline them!!! And this strays away from the love communication into a fear based interaction. Using the model above, two much more appropriate examples come to mind: (1) If they both want to play and be silly, then they both enter their child roles and there is no difference. No complaints whatsoever, especially after the funny activity has ended. (2) When both of them are in an adult role, from that perspective, they can have meaningful conversations, without intense emotions and with deep understanding of one another. Just like when you want to plan out a holiday. And each of them shares their interests and details of the trip.

Final words:

The greatest gift that a man can give a woman is the chance for her to miss him. And when HE IS around, to be present with her, authentic, therefore in touch with his inner source first and foremost.

As for me, I am aware that I want to share deep and meaningful connections with the people around me. I do not feel that marriage is for me. I do not see it as a benefit. A signed sheet of paper plus an overpriced party with hundreds of guests and thousands of stress factors will NOT grant me the happiness and fulfillment that it promises. I have my guitars, harmonicas and numerous feathered friends for that.

If not, I have my limited number of breaths and willpower that I will not be wasting. Life is short. And I was close to the end, but it made me alive, and willing to leave a better world around me. through teaching, and my personal example.
Maa-rriage? Hmmpf !

Why bother influencing 1 spouce and 1 to 2 children when you cand influence thousands of people online and offline? Why? Because I have ALL the time to myself !